Decomposing I Am

I took a bath today. Not so certain if simply to clean the body, to relax or maybe to crystallise a few ideas in my mind. Tension and the feelings of obsession were very strong indeed.

I emerged with a clear idea of what had to be done – a new compilation was born – “Decomposing Special K”. In fact, this is the first issue in the whole series of releases that I can already see queuing up. The events of late were a mere prelude to this idea – there is a string feeling of continuity here.

Remembering that, to me personally, putting music together is merely a shallow expression of what is going on deeply underneath is the key here. I don’t do these things to impress or show off. I am really not all that good at it. But I need to sit in front of the computer occasionally and explore the gigabytes of music in order to relieve this inexplicable tension that builds up within from time to time. It is also the reason why I called the whole endeavour Creation Industries. It is exactly what the whole exercise is all about – release of the creative tension within. When it builds up it can be unbearable when blocked – sooner or later it will find a way out. The trick is to channel it in constructive rather than the destructive ways.

I have not really written anything down in this blog for quite a while. However, it took exactly this long for the tension to build up. In the meantime, I was busy surviving, observing others and self, comparing notes with people – and most importantly NETWORKING. It is amazing how much a person can learn from interacting with others. It is like seeing yourself in a mirror of life. The trick is to align the way other people see you with own perceptions of self.

I’m a stubborn smartarse bastard so personally this is quite a challenge. (I mean well but)

Last weekend I had an experience with a female friend of mine and her partner that left a lasting mark in my psyche. I was obsessing on it ever since. Basically, the girls have a very nasty quarrel with this other couple that forms a part of our group. It is festing rotting and affecting everyone around. I hate my friends fighting like this and so I sat the girls down and basically started talking facts and asking what was up.

It pushed too many buttons even though we were discussing the issues as honestly as possible. Tears, yelling, laughing all of the above happened. And in the end while we agreed to disagree and left the issue to resolve itself in time, there was a feeling of incompletion. I was left with the following questions in mind. Did I push too hard? Was it even my duty to get involved? To what extent is this a mere exercise in self-importance…

All childish and silly. And even these questions themselves are irrelevant. When closely investigated, none of it forms a major part of my personal universe. The more important question is that of Truth - The Objective Truth. Seeing things as they are and not as the filters of our minds delude us into perceiving.
Without blowing my own horn, being able to stand on the sidelines and observing people in their interactions is fantastic. But when you try to perhaps indicate that they might want to re-examine their approaches – it’s like you hit a major wall, a block of some sort that cannot be defeated.

Fair enough. The girls are not the only ones that are facing these issues. I am just as guilty of building the walls of perceptions. At the moment, this is the major aspect in my personal path that I endeavour to address – honesty with self, seeing things as they are and not as I wish them to be.

What a tremendous challenge this is. In my sheepish optimism, while struggling with these issues personally, I hoped I could help others realise the same. It ain’t easy. And the derivative question is to what extent am I even allowed to impose on others in this way. Shall I just sit idle on my hands and allow the tears and emotions to overflow while the solutions are apparent while you take a step back…

So this was the basic root of the obsession I was facing today. Lucky for that bath – it really helped me crystallise these questions.

“Decomposing I Am” has thus been born. Rather than run around with a hammer and whack heads at random (rather than my own), I decided to take a more loving approach. Through observation of people I build up a very interesting creative tension within. One that previously I endeavoured to release by sitting people down and talking issues. An infinitely more loving way to convey my feelings and emotions is to actually burn music compilations for friends. Stuff that reflects my own set of filters through which I perceive others. The rest can just be left to Free Will. There is no intention to manipulate or change anyone’s mind about issues. Music is very generic in that way. However, I can at least relieve the creative tension formed within in a constructive manner – one that will not antagonise anyone.

The Universe can take care of itself. Nevertheless, I also have the prerogative not to self-harm - something that can easily take place by directing energies through the wrong channels.

So who is Special K? She is the first “victim” of this new approach. Well, not really a victim but since the events of late put us very close together, she is worth to make an effort for, an effort to get things right. She is such a special girl.

Imagine an actress. A diva with Audrey Hepburn glasses, a scarf, dressed in black, running around in high heel shoes because that is all she feels comfortable in. A large girl with an even larger heart. A girl that has been beaten down and yet refuses to fall. A girl that sees with her eyes closed. A girl that – much like a river – soothes you with her gentle flow but can also rip you apart if you tread carelessly. That’s Special K.

We just spoke on the phone. She has been obsessing over me as well in the last couple of days. This indicates unresolved issues. We are still getting used to each other. I still mistrust her acting skills. She still mistrusts her mysterious Polish Prince that nobody really knows anything about. One that has taken her best friend under his wing and offered his heart to.

We’ll see what happens. It seems that a good triad of open eyes helps here. I have never before approached life with awareness, with full attention. The story is still being written. This compilation may be done but there are many more to come…